Meyers vs Rice

Taken from here.

This is a weird idea i've had in my head for a while. I thought i'd share it with you.

• FADE IN:

  EXT. A STREET IN NEW ORLEANS, PRESENT DAY-NIGHT

  LESTAT DE LIONCOURT, a beautiful seductive blond vampire is walking down a deserted street in the French Quarter. He is looking for his latest kill. There is no one else on the street with him.

  Or is there? Footsteps are heard int he distance. Lestat turns. A victim? Lestat hides in the shadows and pounces on the boy walking down the street. there is a scuttle, Lestat pins him to the floor, and just as he is about to feed on him, the boy speaks.

  BOY
  Don't! I'm one of you!

  LESTAT
  (Speaks like a cross between a new orleans boatman and Sam Spade. )
  What do you mean?

  BOY
  I'm a vampire! My name is Edward Cullen.

  LESTAT
  I'm sorry! My name's Lestat de Lioncourt. I mistook you for a human. Come, hunt with me.

  EDWARD
  I'm sorry, i'd love to, but i don't drink human blood.

  LESTAT
  (moment of silence)
  Don't drink human blood? How do you survive?

  EDWARD
  Every week my father takes me and my family hunting, and we drink animal blood.

  LESTAT
  (moment of silence. then laughs histerically)
  Animal blood! Animal blood! But human blood is so tasty--the act of taking it is so sensual, better than sex. Many a fine hour have i spent feasting on mortals! It is what we vampires are for. And you're seventy years old and still living with a coven! Vampires are solitary creatures, there's no way we can coexist!

  EDWARD
  Not me! I am in love with a mortal and i will not drink human blood!

  LESTAT
  In love....with a mortal?

  EDWARD
  Her name is Bella Swan.

  LESTAT
  I see...but surely you're planning on turning her?

  EDWARD
  I will never share my curse with Bella! I love her too much.

  LESTAT
  Vampirism is not a curse! You must enjoy your immortality. ( pause) You remind me of Louis. Except not as tortured and philosophical. You're a boring teenage version of Louis. Do you know that?

  EDWARD
  Who's Louis?

  LESTAT
  One of my lovers. Except not really. He's in love with Claudia. But she's dead, and it's kinda my fault. I'm madly in love with him. Because he reminds me of Nicolas. Also dead. My fault as well. But what do you know of this sort of thing, mon petit?

  EDWARD
  .....I tried to kill myself once.

  LESTAT
  So have i. Did you step into the sun? i did, only to find that due to consuming the blood of the mother of all vampires, i am too strong and cannot be killed. Therefore, i am doomed never to die, even if i want to.

  EDWARD
  I stepped into the sun so people would see me sparkling like diamonds and hopefully kill me.

  LESTAT
  You sparkle in sunlight....so you can go out during the day?

  EDWARD
  Sure, i do it all the time.

  LESTAT
  (lunges at Edward with all his preturnatural strengh)
  You bastard! Do you know what i would do to see the sun again!
  Don't you understand somehting, vampirism comes with benefits, such as immortality, telepathy, things like that, but it also comes at a price, and one of those is that YOU CANNOT SEE THE SUN, OR YOU DIE! That's what's wrong with your stupid vampires--it's too easy for you! You can surivie on miniscual amounts of blood--we have to kill to live. You can go out during the day--we burn if we see the sun. You can have sex--we are sterile. We are tortured souls--you play baseball.

  EDWARD
  Well we have warewolves chasing after us....

  LESTAT
  It's been done!

  EDWARD
  And i have an incurable thirst for my beloved's blood, a thirst so dangerous, i left her once to protect her and--

  LESTAT
  Oh, really? Is that the extent of your troubles? I awoke the Queen Of the Damed with my kick-ass violin playing, who then proceeded to destroy the world, while i watched helplessly. What have you ever done that coould constitute conflict?

  EDWARD
  THere was a vampire trying to feed on my girl once...

  LESTAT
  Laisse il! Let him! No one likes your stupid Bella anyway! Now Claudia, there's a fully developed charecter who has charecter traits other than ' is in love with Edward.'

  EDWARD
  But--

  LESTAT
  I have had enough of your angsty teenage vampire problems!
  

  Lestat focuses really hard and sets Edward on fire, since he can do that since the third book. Edward burns uncontrollably from the inside out and dies. BELLA SWAN hears the rucus and runs out of the house.

  BELLA
  Edward! Oh, Edward!

  Lestat pounces on the annoying teenage bitch and drinks her blood. He smacks his lips, fixes his hair, and gets up to go, setting both bodies on fire with his awesome power of pyrokenisis to destroy the evidence. Lestat then goes home and all the vampires celebrate with a huge vampire party that their angsty teenage rip offs are dead. Armand brings over Time Bandits to watch for the millionth time, and everyone hits him.

  FADE OUT:

  Just a little fantasy. What do you think?