SOMETIMES..

Ignorance is bliss..I am just ranting but sometimes knowing something is even worse because it simply eats your heart away. One bite at a time.

Because I am now aware of certain things that were said and done, I will never be able to do certain things for you or say certain things to you because I feel like it's not "special" anymore - it's been done.

I also don't want to remind you of everything she's done for you...it just kills me because I can't be myself...

She was the love of your life and your true love, wasn't she? She was the girl for you, wasn't she? She was everything you ever wanted, and you said you will always love her. And that, I know, still is a well kept promise. It's one that will never, ever change.

Perhaps I'm a masochist, but this pain keeps my optimistic self in check with reality. I don't know why I constantly do this to beat myself with all these information, it's sickening really. But I am only trying to protect myself because I am so tired of getting fucked over....

Would you trust yourself if you were in my position? Would you trust me if you read the fb conversation about waiting for girls to grace your hotel room?

Thanks

I am just so happy that...
- whenever one door closes, another one opens;
- some people are just simply amazing and how I wish I knew them sooner...but better late than never!
- I get to love and be loved in return...

February 5, 2010.. Not too shabby after all.

2009 in a nutshell.

2009 is coming to an end. I'm thinking about the good and the bad and what's bad is there's a bad following every good and a good lacking for every bad..

Serious imbalance.

• Death. Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, Farrah Fawcet - btw, sad because her death got drowned out by MJ mourners..
• Friends. Losing a handful but only to realize that it's good because I now know who's going to be there and who's not..
• Car accidents.
• Bank statement :(
• Broken laptop

Now the good:)

• LOOKBOOK.nu
• Mark. Best boyfriend everrrr.
• Boston & Baltimore trip!
• Thanksgiving with relatives
• Money
• Youtube
• Having awesome best friends. Megan, Sophia, Connie, Gabby, Arianne, Becka etc.
• Coffee! esp Starbucks
• Discounts / friendly sales who give employee discount.

To M

You're my special someone - and you have been for quite some time now too.
I love you, so much, for everything do and everything that you are.
Thank you for those hugs, those small breakfast dates from early 2009, countless Farmer's Market brunches, an exasperated exclamation because we ordered the same damn food again...
Thank you for cuddling me when I know you just want to roll over and pass out, for apologizing when it's clearly my fault - but you apologize anyway because you know I am upset, for kissing me in the middle of the night when you're pulling the covers...
Thank you for round two's, for always doing the most outrageous and ridiculous activities with me just to make me happy (ie, skipping across Mill's Lawn & coloring in Disney's princess coloring book), for adjusting so your lips touch mine when we fall asleep so it's like we're kissing.
Thank you for worrying about me when I don't get enough sleep or finish my homework on time.
Thank you for picking me flowers and learning how to do miscellaneous tasks just to make me happy.
Thank you for telling me: You can call me anytime you get lonely/bored/miss me.
Thank you for being there when I need you; from bringing me my flip flops to staying with me when you clearly had to be somewhere on the night we had our second kiss.
I miss you, so much.
Thank you for picking up my calls when you can't, and for staying on the phone with me when I have nightmares.
Thank you for saying the sweetest and most adorable words to me. You, are amazing.
And I love you just as much - if not more.
I know sometimes I don't show how much I appreciate it with my immature tantrums but really, you are the world to me.










I love you, Mark.

Meyers vs Rice

Taken from here.

This is a weird idea i've had in my head for a while. I thought i'd share it with you.

• FADE IN:

  EXT. A STREET IN NEW ORLEANS, PRESENT DAY-NIGHT

  LESTAT DE LIONCOURT, a beautiful seductive blond vampire is walking down a deserted street in the French Quarter. He is looking for his latest kill. There is no one else on the street with him.

  Or is there? Footsteps are heard int he distance. Lestat turns. A victim? Lestat hides in the shadows and pounces on the boy walking down the street. there is a scuttle, Lestat pins him to the floor, and just as he is about to feed on him, the boy speaks.

  BOY
  Don't! I'm one of you!

  LESTAT
  (Speaks like a cross between a new orleans boatman and Sam Spade. )
  What do you mean?

  BOY
  I'm a vampire! My name is Edward Cullen.

  LESTAT
  I'm sorry! My name's Lestat de Lioncourt. I mistook you for a human. Come, hunt with me.

  EDWARD
  I'm sorry, i'd love to, but i don't drink human blood.

  LESTAT
  (moment of silence)
  Don't drink human blood? How do you survive?

  EDWARD
  Every week my father takes me and my family hunting, and we drink animal blood.

  LESTAT
  (moment of silence. then laughs histerically)
  Animal blood! Animal blood! But human blood is so tasty--the act of taking it is so sensual, better than sex. Many a fine hour have i spent feasting on mortals! It is what we vampires are for. And you're seventy years old and still living with a coven! Vampires are solitary creatures, there's no way we can coexist!

  EDWARD
  Not me! I am in love with a mortal and i will not drink human blood!

  LESTAT
  In love....with a mortal?

  EDWARD
  Her name is Bella Swan.

  LESTAT
  I see...but surely you're planning on turning her?

  EDWARD
  I will never share my curse with Bella! I love her too much.

  LESTAT
  Vampirism is not a curse! You must enjoy your immortality. ( pause) You remind me of Louis. Except not as tortured and philosophical. You're a boring teenage version of Louis. Do you know that?

  EDWARD
  Who's Louis?

  LESTAT
  One of my lovers. Except not really. He's in love with Claudia. But she's dead, and it's kinda my fault. I'm madly in love with him. Because he reminds me of Nicolas. Also dead. My fault as well. But what do you know of this sort of thing, mon petit?

  EDWARD
  .....I tried to kill myself once.

  LESTAT
  So have i. Did you step into the sun? i did, only to find that due to consuming the blood of the mother of all vampires, i am too strong and cannot be killed. Therefore, i am doomed never to die, even if i want to.

  EDWARD
  I stepped into the sun so people would see me sparkling like diamonds and hopefully kill me.

  LESTAT
  You sparkle in sunlight....so you can go out during the day?

  EDWARD
  Sure, i do it all the time.

  LESTAT
  (lunges at Edward with all his preturnatural strengh)
  You bastard! Do you know what i would do to see the sun again!
  Don't you understand somehting, vampirism comes with benefits, such as immortality, telepathy, things like that, but it also comes at a price, and one of those is that YOU CANNOT SEE THE SUN, OR YOU DIE! That's what's wrong with your stupid vampires--it's too easy for you! You can surivie on miniscual amounts of blood--we have to kill to live. You can go out during the day--we burn if we see the sun. You can have sex--we are sterile. We are tortured souls--you play baseball.

  EDWARD
  Well we have warewolves chasing after us....

  LESTAT
  It's been done!

  EDWARD
  And i have an incurable thirst for my beloved's blood, a thirst so dangerous, i left her once to protect her and--

  LESTAT
  Oh, really? Is that the extent of your troubles? I awoke the Queen Of the Damed with my kick-ass violin playing, who then proceeded to destroy the world, while i watched helplessly. What have you ever done that coould constitute conflict?

  EDWARD
  THere was a vampire trying to feed on my girl once...

  LESTAT
  Laisse il! Let him! No one likes your stupid Bella anyway! Now Claudia, there's a fully developed charecter who has charecter traits other than ' is in love with Edward.'

  EDWARD
  But--

  LESTAT
  I have had enough of your angsty teenage vampire problems!
  

  Lestat focuses really hard and sets Edward on fire, since he can do that since the third book. Edward burns uncontrollably from the inside out and dies. BELLA SWAN hears the rucus and runs out of the house.

  BELLA
  Edward! Oh, Edward!

  Lestat pounces on the annoying teenage bitch and drinks her blood. He smacks his lips, fixes his hair, and gets up to go, setting both bodies on fire with his awesome power of pyrokenisis to destroy the evidence. Lestat then goes home and all the vampires celebrate with a huge vampire party that their angsty teenage rip offs are dead. Armand brings over Time Bandits to watch for the millionth time, and everyone hits him.

  FADE OUT:

  Just a little fantasy. What do you think?

Love Actually

Fun fact: the relationships from Love Actually are meant to convey the many types of love. For example: love at first sight, unrequited love, infatuation, etc.

There are at least a dozen forms of love depicted in the movie:

Marital Love: Keira Knightley marrying her hubby


Unrequited Love: Keira Knightley and her husband's best friend


Love at First Sight: Hugh Grant (the Prime Minister) and his tea and biscuits server


Workplace Love: John and Judy, the standins for the sex scenes that fall in love while working together.


Familial Love: Liam Neeson and his (step)son deal with the grief of losing Mom


Physical Love: Colin (the British guy) comes to America to get up on hot girls from Wisconsin.


Long Distance Love: Colin Firth and his Portuguese helper:


Sacrificial Love: Laura Linney giving up her crush on her coworker to be with her institutionalized brother.


Cheatin' Love: Alan Rickman being tempted by his secretary.


Infatuation: Liam Neeson's stepson having a crush on the best singer in his class


Taken-for-Granted Love: Emma Thompson about to realize that her husband (Alan Rickman) is having an affair


Platonic Love: Bill Nighy (the rock and roll singer) and his manager:


(I thought these two were actually secretly in gay love, but Wikipedia says that it's platonic, so it must be true. Apparently, straight men like to get drunk and

Publish Post

watch porn together.)

I've experienced 9 out of the 12 forms of love (as defined by Love Actually)... how about you?

Tattoo Ideas

Cho Ku Rei [Choke-koo-ray]

This symbol is used when you need to increase the power of Reiki energy. Takata Sensei called this the "Invocation of Universal Power."

Drawing Cho Ku Reiki in the counterclockwise position "increases" the energy of Reiki. Drawing Cho Ku Rei in the clockwise position "decreases" the energy of the client. Be careful which you choose to do.

I Like Where We Are

I love God, Jesus, and the trinity's distinct as well as inseparable relationship. I believe in Him but I am not a Christian. I may be Buddhist too because I believe in self-enlightenment. When I went to church and heard that god is not the external authority figure, which is by the way, something I've somehow associated him as, but that he is in you as you are the temple of the holy ghost. Perhaps what I'm suggesting is ludicrous, but maybe in a way that is the same as SELF-enlightenment. From Evan Almighty, Morgan Freeman or "God" says to Joan (Evans wife)

"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

God gives us these opportunities to better ourselves but it is ultimately your will to choose and grow from such choices. To me this is, in a way, SELF determination in a less aggressive sense. I think about religion so much and I always somehow end up no where, believing I could never encounter a balance or realization of which story (or in another sense, which religion,) is best told because they all sound so good wen I'm hearing it. Somehow I have this ability to appreciate each song/story/perspective and that's why sometimes I find myself unable to be mad at anyone and unable to decide what is right and what is wrong.

Perhaps the song G.O.D. (Gaining Ones Definition) - Common says it best .

Some say that God is Black and the Devil's White
Well, the Devil is wrong and God is what's right
I fight, with myself in the ring of doubt and fear
The rain ain't gone, but I can still see clear

Because ultimately devil represents the bad the unappreciative unaware and God is what's right. He, she or it is what drives you. In a way,

Some say that God is ______ and the Devil's ______
Well, the Devil is wrong and God is what's right.

I left the words blank because I wanted to make a point that it doesn't matter what you say after that if your god is Buddha, Allah, or God and the trinity.... without the story and the label it is ultimately the same drive; stories and labels just help people understand or tap access to the ideas or beliefs or decision makers as I like to think of them. I love this song so I really recommend listening to it for the lyrics since so many underground artists have proven the lyrics are deep and can really enlighten a situation giving you an insightful perspective.

I feel like all my thinking is "fight[ing] with myself in the ring of doubt and fear" and even though I haven't come to a set conclusion ("The rain aint gone") I really can "still see clear." I'm okay with this. I like where we are.

I feel so foolish thinking and trying to understand and absorb everything around me when I'm around people who don't because there's tension and expectations and closedness. Just a deeper understanding of yourself and others - enlightenment realizing the god in you and in others - opens up those blocked out obstructions to understanding of any perspective. The connection you feel with anything around you is great. It is because everything is made by god and all has god in them that you are connected. you won't discriminate or hold bad judgments as a grudge and won't even get mad as easily. After all, being mad is so bad for your health, because its not relaxing and understanding, this brings peace instead of war. Those who interpret God or Allah or Buddha as DIVIDING, classifying, and separating people by specifying an allegiance (like when answering questions from strangers regarding religious affiliation) you are SADLY mistaken (all, of course, is just my own opinion) because God ultimately should be an understanding unifying connecting loving force not one that divides......right? and I say force because it drives people toward where they should be or where would benefit them ultimately. one of my most admired friends, rob, once tried to explain to me how he felt. that god is the realization of something bigger than yourself. in his terms god is that realization of the sanctity of your choices, the sanctity of others and things around you because you are ultimately connected in a bigger way than yourself.

Understanding and wisdom became the rhythm that I played to
And became a slave to master self
A rich man is one with knowledge, happiness and his health

My mind had dealt with the books of Zen, Tao the lessons
Koran and the Bible, to me they all vital
And got truth within 'em, gotta read them boys
You just can't skim 'em, different branches of belief
But one root that stem 'em, but people of the venom try to trim 'em
And use religion as an emblem
When it should be a natural way of life
Who am I or they to say to whom you pray ain't right
That's who got you doin right and got you this far
Whether you say "in Jesus name" or Hum do Allah
Long as you know it's a bein' that's supreme to you
You let that show towards others in the things you do

When I feel myself in pain or facing a hardship I feel myself in the presence of the god in me and outside of me in other people and things and the world. Sometimes the irony in trying to fully understanding god will be so much work that it would be tedious and such a long drawl that it is almost a state of almost death. The amount of intense pain I feel when I try so hard to understand. It is painfully challenging but I crave to know and understand; it is in a way a crazy drug of bettering myself no matter what way.

When things get rough and each day is more dreary after the next, I am reminded that life goes on and some how it is alright to keep "happy" as a memory. After all, we are given by God the amazing ability to survive and adapt because life DOES keep going on. We don't have to keep the memory in the present because memories can be what memories should be. In a way, there's a beauty in the way that all works out.Those feelings and people and stories remain perfect in whatever they were - unchangeable. If we can't change the moment since each moment we pass is permanent. The beauty of the past and of life and time in general is in the perfection of its preservation without biasness. Good, bad, positive, negative - what happened happened right? and we're still moving forward! Unalterable, and somehow it's okay that way.

I like where we are.

"I want somebody to sleep with the rest of my life, and cuddle up during a movie, on a couch. Stay up all night talking about nothing. Get lost in the woods together. Challenge me, challenge him. Talk about dreams, make dreams, make love in the candle light, in the car, in the shower, in the woods while were lost. Have fights, the kind that only really matter just as long as you’re having them. Someone I can wrestle with, you know, play hard sometimes and not worry about breaking a nail or an arm. A guy who will bring me flowers, once in a while, maybe a rock too or a shell of some sort. Something he saw that made him think of me, made him think "this might make my girl smile" as he smiles to himself. A guy who wants me, maybe even needs me, just a little, enough to hold onto me with everything he's got..."

Since the first time you ran your fingers through my hair, since the first time our hands became one, since the first time your kisses took away my pain, I knew I’d never be the same.

You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart

Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know. -grey's anatomy

Please just dont give up on me. Because underneath all my mistakes, imperfections, and dissapointments, im just a simple girl who really does love you, and im sorry if sometimes im just a little to shy to show it.

You changed my world with just one smile, you took my heart with just one kiss.

A kiss is just a kiss till you find the one you love... a hug is just a hug till you find the one your always thinking of... a dream is just a dream till it comes true... love is just a word till it's proven to you.

Dear You

如果你真的喜歡我
我希望你能夠了解
我真的會等你


there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what´s going on